Physical and Psychological Issues

  • Muscular Convulsions
    • full body muscle convulsions(Since Oct 2001)
      • “muscles tight as physically possible”
      • extremely painful
      • hands in fists, arms clenched across chest
      • convulsing inward to fetal position
      • bending backwards – occasionally bending off the ground like a bridge,
    • Localized Spams
      • right arm spasms at the elbow joint (since 2006)
        • eventually locks the arm up with fist clenched
      • spinal spasms (since 2007)
        • neck spasms and twitches and twists in a counter clockwise manor
        • mid-low back left muscle spasms, and tensioning
        • standing in one place for a bit can cause spasms
      • leg spasms (since 2011)
        • upper front left leg muscle tightens, spreading to rest of left leg, then to right leg
        • leg weakness
      • left most toes curling followed by ankle bending inward (since 2002)
    • Stiffness
      • difficulty walking
        • slow
        • stiff legs
        • stiff back
        • cane for support, balance, preventing myself from falling
      • body lock
        • arms, legs unable to move
          • not paralyzed
          • heaviness
          • tension
    • Triggers
      • Light (since 2006)
        • any single flash of unexpected or bright light
          • single blink of a red or green LED on parking meter
          • cell phone light
      • Sound (since 2012)
        • grinding
        • high frequency
      • Stress (since 2001)
        • physical exertion
          • vomiting (since 1998)
        • emotional
        • heat
        • unexpected stimuli (unexpected hug)
  • Joint Pops
    • left knee, moderately painful (since Jan 2001, snowboarding accident)
    • right angle 3-axis, no pain (since 2002)
      • foot angled outward (since birth)
    • neck (since 199?)
      • several loud cracks while bending neck, severe painful
    • back, moderate to severe pain for a moment then subsides (since 199?)
    • elbows (since 2003)
      • while lifting myself out of a chair, loud cracks from both elbows, moderate pain for a moment then subsides
    • left toes, no pain (since 1994)
    • all fingers, moderate pain (since 1999)
  • Sleep difficulties (since 1986)
    • constantly exhausted
    • usually wake between 3 and 5 AM, for no apparent reason, and unable to return to sleep
    • often takes several hours to fall asleep
    • muscle tension
    • restlessness
    • cold sweats
    • over heating
    • stomach pain while sleeping on back and left side
    • overactive mind
    • dreams
      • rare (since 2008)
      • memorable
      • bizarre (book-shaped butterflies with shag carpet wings)
  • Anxiety
    • easily stressed
    • easily frustred
    • easily angered, but maintaining relative physical control
    • pacing
    • shaking fists in the air
    • growling to blow off steam
    • constantly thinking about stressful things, no matter how hard I try to think about things that aren’t stressful, the stressful things return
      • health/Disability
        • trying to come up with ways to explain to Disability that I’m disabled, and what I’m going through
      • philosophy/religion/politics
        • angered at people for not actually acting as the beliefs they claim to follow teach
    • Social anxiety
    • Preparing food
      • causes extreme frustration/anxiety
      • dislike of most foods
    • causes feelings of itchiness on head, or neck, or upper arms, or stomach
  • Depression
    • not being able to physically do the things I once could, or would like to do
      • bike riding
      • running
      • dancing
      • walking
      • hiking
      • going out to eat
    • visions of killing myself
    • asked to no longer attend church, crashed my car as a result
    • School
      • Bullied
      • Unable to do daily work
      • Often home sick with stomach pain
      • Socially awkward
  • ADD
    • Diagnosed in 1992
    • Not ADHD
    • routine is impossible
      • pills
      • exercise
      • journal keeping
      • day-to-day work related routines
      • personal hygiene
    • short attention span
      • eyes constantly moving while reading or trying to focus on a task requiring thought
      • unable to focus on one specific part of something at a time, jump around across large areas of a topic
      • multitasking is easier to understand than a single task
        • but either way, things don’t end up accomplished, multitasking just allows for more things to be unaccomplished
      • picking up where I left off the day before is extremely difficult, and can become impossible, leading to my body freezing or shutting down, as well as my mind
    • fidgety
  • OCD
    • pealing off dead skin on fingers, in addition to typical nail-biting
    • Kitchen and bathroom must be clean
    • toilet lid down
    • things must be done in a logical manor, for a logical reason
  • Heart
    • often heavy pounding with no apparent cause
  • Lungs
    • labored breathing
    • shortness of breath
    • forgetting to breath while doing other things which require concentration
    • large capacity for my slender build (commented by xray techs for many years)
      • wind instruments through high school
  • Ears
    • ringing
    • waxy
    • itchy
    • left ear difficult to hear
      • q-tip cleaning caused bloody ear for several hours, in 2002
  • Itchiness
    • ears, often
    • sides of head, often
    • neck
    • arms
    • right outer heal
    • bottoms of feet
    • back
    • stomach
  • Social
    • awkward
    • “can’t tell a joke to save my life”
    • don’t understand social situations
    • don’t know what to say
    • quiet
    • excessive eye contact when not in conversation
    • called “creepy” by peers (since 1994)
    • empathetic
    • argumentative
    • stuborn
    • aggressive (before 1994)
      • learned to control aggression, became passive and submissive
    • withdrawn
  • Internal Monologue
    • Political
    • Philosophical
    • vision of suicide
      • hanging
        • causes panic attack from unexpectedly seeing an image of a hanging
        • image of mom seeing me hung, and her crying scream
      • crashing the car
        • off a cliff
        • into the guard rail
        • sometimes have to fight with myself to not do so
          • yelling at myself
          • crying
      • knife in the chest
        • have acted out stabbing self, without object
      • Junior high came very close to slicing wrists
        • desire to have a clone, kill the clone, then become invisible and watch everyone realize they were treating me badly